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Day 1

Hey there,
I'm here seated at my laptop, typing and looking for words to put in this letter to you. So maybe I'll tell you a little story , one that explains why I'm doing something that seems mad to an ordinary onlooker.
This month of September 2022 has been a weird one to say the least. I expected my life to turn out way differently, I had made all these plans and preparations. I had hope, lots of it for things to go the way I wanted them to. But little by little, piece by piece, everything fell apart. You can imagine how devastated I was. My hope was shattered to say the least, and all that I had done, leading up to that point seemed like wasted time. I beat myself up over it for a good few weeks, honestly even now, I still feel that sting of having lost something very dear to me.
Now normally , this is the point where I go bawling about it and complaining till kingdom come. But if I've learnt something in my few months in campus, light really does exist at the end of the tunnel. At times its right next to us and at other times its inside us. All along, I had been depending on external motivation to get going. Whenever I had to do something I particularly didn’t want, I'd put it up in the frame of "this will look good if I do it for / with (my parents/future so and so/present so and so) in mind" and in doing so, I ended up, as a wise friend of mine so poetically put it; pouring into a cup that wasn’t mine to fill.
I poured out so much of myself for everyone around me that I had little to nothing left for myself. So when the inevitable point of facing myself came, I always ran away. I was afraid of seeing just how much I had neglected myself. I looked whole and happy on the outside, but I was hollow on the inside. So now when the disappointment came, I could have chosen to see it as the whole world being against me, which , thank God I didn’t.
Instead, I had to choose to use this as a mirror to see who I really am. To be truthful, I didn’t like what I saw when I had to truly and deeply look at myself. I was in denial for a while and after that I was grieving for all that I had done to myself, in the name of being a "nice and helpful" person. Now please don’t get me wrong, I'm not choosing to become a cynic. The best way I can explain it is in this quote that I heard in a sermon once; "You cannot give from a place of nothing". But that was exactly what I had been doing all along.
So this is the point where I had to choose to either keep running, or choose to come back to the mess that I created and start doing a clean-up. So right now, I'm knee deep in this mess, and I'm still sorting through all of the junk I threw in and things I broke so I could give pieces to others. And honestly, there is a lot that I have to walk through. But this time, I know that I'm going to get through it.
So now you might be asking, where you come into all of this? Well that’s a funny story of its own, but that’s for another day. All I can say is, I'm cleaning out my house so It can be a place that I can rest in. And also, a place where you, "My Hope" will be able to rest and confide in. I'm going to keep writing these letters to keep track of my progress. And someday, I hope to give them all to you so you can read them and see the journey I took to get to you. So please pray for me, and wait for me, I promise to make your wait worth it.
All the best,
Soul.

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